The Five Stages of Wine Blogging*

{*The Five Stages of Wine Blogging are based on The Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as The Five Stages of Grief.}

Denial — "I am NOT a wine blogger. I'm a writer! This can't be happening, not to me!" Denial is usually only a temporary defense as the individual realizes they have an irresistible urge to write a wine blog.

Anger — "Why me? It's not fair! How did this happen to me? Wine blog judges are idiots!" Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Anger and jealousy issues arise. "My blog is just as good as Dirty Mouth Wine or Grape-a-Saurus and Sniff This! Why don't I have more readers and awards? I want an award! And why can't I have a crazy unpronounceable name like Yalder Arrow? I'm somebody toooo!"

Bargaining —  "I will post every day for a year if I can just get a trip to France and several cases of wine samples every month. I promise I will only blog on weekends and days that end in 'Y" and I vow to see my family more than once a week."  The third stage involves the realization that you might get some free stuff because of your blog, but maintaining a wine blog is a lot of work. This stage is more difficult for bloggers who have non-blogging spouses and actual day jobs.

Depression — "Hey, what's with all those other bloggers I see going on press trips? And where are my wine samples!?! How come I'm not getting all that free stuff? My blog is not the ticket to respect and credibility I once thought it would be." The sad realization you are not, and never will be, The HoseMaster of Wine sets in.

Acceptance — "I am a wine blogger. I attend conferences. I have business cards. I go on press trips. I get free wine samples." Admitting that you are a wine blogger is the first step to a normal blogging life, quickly followed by complete acceptance. "I am a slave to my blog. I am so depressed." 

NOTE: I started my blog because I wanted to attend the 2009 Wine Bloggers Conference and the sign-up page required you submit the URL of your wine blog. So I bought a domain and started a wine blog. Just like that. I had no idea where this ruse would lead. But I must say wine blogging has been berry berry good to me.

If you don't have a wine blog I urge you to start one today. You'll be amazed at how many people you'll irritate and annoy if you do. Plus, the 5th Annual Wine Bloggers Conference is in Portland, Oregon this August, and you need to have a wine blog to attend. Hope to see you there.

ADDENDUM:  The Portland WBC is sold out. But I hear Ron Washam is holding a poodle grooming and blogger de-programming seminar that weekend. Apply now by sending Ron a 500-word essay on why you deserve to live, along with your $1200.00 non-refundable deposit check.

{*The Five Stages of Wine Blogging are based on The Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as The Five Stages of Grief.}

The Five Types of Wine Bloggers -What Kind of Wine Blogger Are You?

1. The Amateur Professional

Has an actual paying job in an industry other than wine but is a knowledgeable, studious and zealous blogger.

2. The Mad Libber

Reviews wine by using a rotating list of adjectives to describe the “nose” and “mouth feel”. Posts are identical with the exception of the photo. Writing style mimics a Mad Libs game.

3. The Know-it-All

Pompous and ingratiating, the know-it-all really does know it all; but it does not make them any less annoying.

4. The Wild Card

Crazy anarchist self-styled lunatic loves the “juice” for it’s higher power. Writes incomprehensible posts about harmonic convergence, interpretive dance and numerology that inspire the wine god within.

5. The Interloper

Cares little about wine blogging but pumps out enough posts to play the game and actively solicits wineries to send them samples.

What to Pair with Air?

Lately I’ve been gravitating towards wines with a more delicate body and recently I received a sample that goes beyond belief in delivering an airy unfettered lightness. The 100% organic Trefethen 2009 Fallow Estate from Napa County is a text book example of the relentless pursuit of folly. Or in this case fallow. Fallow Grapes.

Harvested from Trefethens fallow ground vineyard, the 2009 Fallow has minimal handling. Very minimal. It’s unsullied without the use additives, and no barrel aging. No aging at all actually. It’s the Dorian Gray of wines—it will be forever fresh and young.

On the nose this wine is elusive. The scent can take you anywhere the wind blows. On the palate it’s equally light and dry, so dry that if this wine were a comic it would be Jack Benny, or perhaps David Letterman.

I suggest you try this wine on its own without food, since anything you eat with it may overpower its wispy nature. So put on some music, I think the Hollies “All I Need Is The Air That I Breathe” is the perfect match and grab a good book --I recommend The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera-- and enjoy a glass of Trefethen Fallow preferably on April Fool’s Day.

PART III -Gen-Yine Road Trip

Note: While the Gen-Yine Road Trip is a parody, it is based entirely on real events of Project Yine, I mean really, who could make this stuff up?

After 18 hours on the road our girls arrive at Ashley’s Uncle Terry’s house

S: OMG! Like who lives here Hugh Hefner? What a bachelor pad.

Uncle Terry: Come in Girls, have a cigar, your gonna fly high, your never gonna die, your gonna make it if you try.

A: Uncle Terry!!

S: Um what is he saying? Sounds like he’s quoting song lyrics or something.

A: He is, but don’t worry you’ll get use to it.

UT: Sit down have something to eat… Oh did I tell you the name of the game? It’s called riding the Gravy train….

Uncle Terry sets out an amazing array of food and drink and cigars and they all feast. While they dine Uncle Terry plays a steady stream songs about the lovesick and lonely and 70’s rock ballads.

UT: So Sharayray are you in the market for any surgery?

S: Uhh No.

UT: Well some day you will be. Here take my card. You know we are just dust in the wind. Just a drop of water in an endless sea…but if you ever need gastric bypass give me a call. How do you think my little Niece here can eat so damn much!

S: OMG! ASHLEY!

A: He’s just kidding. Come on Shana, let’s go out to eat, I’m still hungry.

UT: See you later girls. Remember maybe a great magnet pulls all souls towards truth or maybe it is life itself that feeds wisdom to its youth.

Uncle Terry lights up a cigar and plays k.d.Lang ‘Constant Craving’ and stares out into the night sky.

***

The next day our heroines leave Arizona for their final destination-California. This time Shana drives while Ashley takes a little snooze.

A: —Hey I swear I just saw an enormous hot link drive by.

S: What are you talking about?

A: A great big sausage, like a huge hot dog.

S: I didn’t see anything. I think you meat eaters are all crazy.

A: So where are we? I’m hungry.

S: You just ate 30 minutes ago!

A: Well I could go for some bacon burgers and side of fried clams.

S: Eeesh.. Ash, are you sure your Uncle didn’t alter your stomach?

A: No way. I’m just hungry a lot. Hey look up ahead it’s the border!

S: I see it! The border of California! Oh I can feel it! Oh yes! So close…Yes, Yes, Yes, here it comes—AIYYYAAAA (sound of a breaking glass)

Just seconds after crossing into California a 30 foot long all beef wiener comes crashing through the back windshield and wedges into the dashboard.

S: OMG! OMG!

A: Holy Bacon Bits!

Yes friends, the worst has happened… Our heroines have been rear ended by the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile in broad daylight. Luckily no one is seriously injured but Ashley’s car and the Wienermobile are in bad shape. As Ashley deals with the police and tow truck, Shana decides to interview the Wienermobile driver.

S: So, like, what do you like to drink when—

Wienermobile Driver: Drink? Who said I was drinking? I never ever ever drink and drive the Wiener! NEVER! Nooo. That would be so wrong!

S: Chill out dude, I just meant what do you like to drink when your not driving the wiener….um that sounded weird…I mean what do you drink when you’re off wiener duty, oh nevermind...Dude you should get another job. Seriously!

A&S get a lift to the closest town and rent a car for the remainder of their journey to Healdsburg. As they drive the last few hours of their trip they talk about all that they have learned with the Gen Y-ine Project and survey.

S: Well, there was not much wine drinking going on outside of Austin and our buddies from Another Wine Blog-- Amy and Joe.

A: Yeah it seems like most everyone under 29 drinks beer.

S: And it seems that the beer they do buy is mostly local stuff.

A: Yeah home crafted and home brewed --local favorites rule! Well, right after Budweiser they rule.

S: And the few Gen Y-iners we found that did drink wine said it was because someone told them about it.

A: Yup, word-of-mouth seems to be the major influencer.

S: And Social Media, while everyone was on it, and uses it, and swears by it, does not seem to be driving a lot of actual sales for wine or beer.

A: Yeah seems to be the case.

S: So Ashley

A: Yes, Ray Ray?

S: I think I knew all this already, before we even started this whole trip! I don’t think I really uncovered anything new about Gen Yine and in the process I suffered unbearable heat, horrible food, witnessed the consumption of untold amounts of bacon and other hideous meat products by you and everyone else, had the worst nightmare of my entire life, and then to top it all off-- got road reamed by the freaking Weiner Mobile!!!

A: So?

S: So I’m thinking where should we go on our next Project Y-ine road trip!!!

Cue music- Waterloo by ABBA as the sun sets slowly over the pacific and our heroines blaze into the night.

Waterloo - I was defeated, you won the war Waterloo - promise to love you forever more Waterloo - couldn’t escape if I wanted to Waterloo - knowing my fate is to be with you Waterloo - finally facing my waterloo

PART II - Gen-Yine Road Trip

Excerpt From the Secret Diary of Sharayray aka Shana (Project-Yine co-director and wine blogger)

Dear Diary:

DAY 3 Louisiana to Texas--

I am beginning to worry about the success of Project-Yine. Ashley is coping well and seems not to be bothered by the heat or the lack of wine. But it’s only been BEER BEER BEER since I got here. So far the only Gen-Yine folks that have turned out to meet us are guys in their 40’s that live with their mothers!

I am getting weak from the lack of mental stimulation and the complete lack of anything that is edible. We have seen nothing but Waffle Houses and Huddle Houses and Budweiser for days now. When I say I’m a vegan and don’t eat meat I’m told to order the Hush Puppies. Helllooo! This thing they call Hush Puppies is just Fried Bread!

Maybe I should have thought this out more before embarking on a cross county trip with someone I barely know. And I swear if I have to tell one more person how to say my name I’m going to shoot someone! It’s Shana…rhymes with banana. Not Shana rhymes with--well pronounced like that it rhymes with nothing.

DAY 4 -AUSTIN

Finally a speck of hope on an otherwise bleak landscape. AUSTIN I LOVE YOU! OMG! On the 8^th day God created Austin. I can eat again. I think I might just move into the Whole Foods here. It is an oasis of hope in Texas. I never want to leave. I’m afraid of what might await us on that long desolate stretch of 1-10 called West Texas….

DAY-5 Wenchie says we should just make a mad run for it and drive all the way to Phoenix in ONE DAY!! OMG it’s going to be grueling, but the sooner we get out of this state the better. Talk to you later diary….

Later just past El Paso in West Texas we find our heroines still driving--

A: We are not far from the border now Shana, why don’t you just go ahead and take a nap. I’ll wake you when we get there.

S: Okay. I sure could use some rest.

Hours later Shana wakes up to find herself in a huge fluorescent lit room with hundreds of Gen-Yiners seated in front of computers starting straight ahead to a stage with a big screen flashing pictures and words.

S: Wenchie where are we?

A: Um well, I have something to tell you.

S: What is this place a tech support center?

A: No Sharayray it’s the Blogger Deprogramming Center. And I’m not exactly who you think I am…

Yes, our beloved Shana aka Sharayray had been tricked into thinking she was part of a study for Project-Yine, but now finds herself miles below Yucca Mountain at the Robert Parker Blogger Deprogramming Center for Wayward Wine Bloggers.

Shana sees a giant picture of Robert Parker lit by spotlights surrounded by posters of 98 point shelf talkers while on the screen the following words flash by:

THOU SHALT NOT BLOG

WINE BLOGGERS ARE INHERENTLY EVIL

I AM NOT A WINE WRITER

I AM A LOWLY BIT OF FLOTSAM IN THE WINE UNIVERSE

All the Gen-Yines repeat what they see in a monotone drone. Shana now notices they are all chained to their chairs as well. Their voices boom inside the cavernous room--

“THOU SHALT NOT BLOG”

“I AM A LOWLY BIT OF FLOTSAM IN THE WINE UNIVERSE”

Shana screams—

S: Noooo No! OMG!!

Shana tries to run, but Ashley grabs her arm and starts to shake her.

A: Shana! Shana! Sharayray! Wake up!

S: Oh hey, ummm …Where am I? Who are you?

A: It’s me Ashley. We’re in Arizona! I think you were having a bad dream.

S: OMG! You don’t know the half of it!

To be continued…

Scenes from a Gen-Yine Road Trip

Shana and Ashley’s Most Excellent Adventure--

(A genuine parody)

Part 1 --Tampa to NOLA

S: Umm why are there no road signs anywhere?

A: I guess they haven’t had a chance to replace them yet since Katrina.

S: Okay, but it seems like we've been driving in circles for the last two hours. Are we lost?

A: No! We’re not lost. It’s just hard to navigate by landmarks when you are in a swamp. But wait what’s that? I think that’s the place we’re looking for!

Our heroines pull up in front of a dilapidated shack with the words “Gator Bait Bar” spray-painted across a board nailed to the tin roof. Inside a heavy pall of smoke hangs over the bar. Three seedy men that look like extras from the set Deliverance sit at a back table playing cards. The bartender is watching bass fishing on a TV above the bar.

S: OMG! There’s like smoking allowed in the bars here! I guess I’m not in California anymore.

A: Hey Everyone. We’re here for the Gen–Yine survey.

All the men turn to stare at Shana and Ashley

Bartender: I gots’ Genwine Miller Draft right here on the tap.

S: No not genuine–Gen-Wine!

Bartender: Gurl, that’s what ah said. What’s wrong wit yar hearing?

S: Um I mean generation Yine. We're looking for young people in NOLA to talk about their wine buying habits and take our survey.

Man #1 at table: They gots’ buyin habits all rat but it ain’t fo wine. My dang kid spends most his check on Benadryl and Robotusion! Then he cooks it up in the Geerage. He blew the door clear off last week.

Bartender: Girly, this here the swamplands of Nawlawins. Y’all wants wine go see that Dirty South boy up in 'lanta. I saw him on the Teevee and he gots him some powerful wine affliction or sumptin.

One of the men playing cards comes up next to Ashley—

Man #2: Dat sho is a purtty butterfly ya gots round yo neck dare. I’d like to put mah net round it. Har har har…

A: Umm Sahrayray .. Shana! Lets get outta here!

Man #3: Wait! Anit's ya gonna ask us some mo questions?

Bartender: Hay, I know who laks questions. Bo..go get the Gimp!

S: Ashleeyyyy!

Cue sound of dueling banjoes as our heroines tear off in a cloud of dust.

Well kids, lets hope things improve in Texas! Stay tuned.

But for the Real Deal on the Project Y-ine experiment and survey please go here and here and here to read all about it and follow along.